Funny Pic: Don’t Taze My Bro!

Don’t Taze Me Bro!

Welcome!  If you are a Stumble Upon user and you think this picture is funny, click the thumbs up  button in your web browser.  Thanks! Enjoy the laugh… I sure did.

Don't Taze Me Bro

Don't Taze Me Bro!

This just cracked me up this morning. I was driving down 75 Southbound (just north of Dallas, Texas) when I snapped this pic with my cell phone.  If you haven’t seen the video that this references, you can watch it here:  Don’t Taze Me Bro!

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When Real Life (RL) Becomes the Distraction!

Sun setting behind our neighbors pergulaAhhhhhhhhh…. somebody stop me!!!!

As the sun starts to set behind me, the magnificent colors representing a beautiful “wish you were here” postcard, start to dance across the early summer sky.  The problem is… I’m too busy trying to figure out this whole blogging thing to even notice. 

Do you ever feel this way?  Speaking to my fellow bloggers, authors or anyone else so wrapped up in what they are working on that trips to the grocery store to fill the empty cabinets become a nuisance, a mere distraction.  The whole time I’m out milling around trying to find the right kind of dressing, the perfect head of lettuce and the best looking frozen dinner entree, I can’t seem to think about anything else but, how much time I’m losing online. 

Between choosing the right blog theme, arranging the layout of widgets, searching for the best widget, listing my blog with blog directories, registering with the best social networks, connecting with new friends, responding to comments, etc., etc. ad nauseum, not to mention joining in multiple discussions at the best place on the net for bloggers BlogCatalog, it feels like I’m never “caught up” enough to just relax. 

Oh yeah, and then there’s content.   In order to entertain, move, inspire my readers (you, and by the way, thanks for stopping by) I must continually come up with quality, original content or risk being tagged a <something significant goes here, but I haven’t had time to research this one yet>.

So, when will the merry-go-round ever stop?  It’s only been 4 weeks, since I started blogging, and I can already see my priorities have completely shifted.  The once, normally pristine backyard, has become somewhat of an overgrown jungle.   Ah, yes, I shall go and mow as soon as I’m done with this post (seems like I said that two days ago. hmm… but today will be the day!)

I sometimes wonder where the time goes.  I log on to check my email box, and suddenly there’s this time warp…

(Let’s Do The Time Warp Again!)
 
and 2 hours have passed by and I still haven’t cleaned out my inbox.   Oh, but don’t get me wrong, I love comments.  I spend the majority of my time responding to comments.  It’s what drives me, keeps me going and makes it all worth it.  I consider it an honor that you are reading my blog and I am flattered if you want to take the time to say something to me in my comments.  And, yes, look around, I publish my negative comments too.

Well, I’m off to tackle the cat’s litter boxes.  Oh, wait, I haven’t checked my Feedburner stats yet. I’ll clean their litter boxes right after I check my stats. I might as well, its way too dark to mow the lawn now anyway.

 

1 Aerosol Hairspray Can + 1 Lighter = 1 Less Eyebrow

Example of Aerosol CanThis has got to be one of the funniest stories you will ever read.  Picturing the events in my head, which I am about to reveal, causes me to start laughing all over again.  Oh my gosh!  I can’t wait to relate this story to you. 

Ok, if you’ve never tried this before, please don’t say that you read it on my blog, because I will flat out deny it.  If you spray a can of aerosol hairspray slightly above the flame of a lighter, you will instantly have your very own, and might I add, very dangerous flame thrower (do not try this at home).  I think you gathered from the title of this article where this is headed, but the way it happened is almost one of those, you wouldn’t believe it unless you saw it kind of stories.

So, let’s set the scene.  I’m in college, the same one my brother is attending, the same college where  I got away with The Best Practical Joke I Ever Played.  It’s after 11:00 pm at night and I had been over at his apartment visiting.  I had gotten to know his roommates really well by this time, so I didn’t think it strange to be hanging around after he went to bed.  My brother’s roommate, Kevin and I found one of those huge aerosol hair spray cans, the kind that are forbidden now as carry-ons as they can be considered a terrorist weapon.The Lighter

We started messing around with the usual, light the lighter and spray flames half-way across the room.  We took it into the bedroom where now 2 of my brother’s other roommates had already retired for the night.  Apparently, one of them had fallen completely asleep, because when we sprayed the can over the lighter in his direction, he woke up to massive flames licking at his face.  Needless to say, he was extremely horrified, whoops!  But… nothing happened to him, the flames weren’t even close, they just appeared close because he woke up to them coming his direction.   So, the story continues…

Kevin and I, realizing that no one in that room was in the mood for fun decided to take our “amusement in a can” elsewhere.  We went outside through the sliding glass door and started spraying hairspray on the large glass pane of the door.  We would spray it and then light it.  Very cool display of lingering flames that would dance around the window, but you didn’t learn that one from me either.

Now, this is where the story gets interesting and then very entertaining, to me anyway, since I’m not the one who lost the eyebrow.  So, Kevin and I find a large gallon sized glass bottle.  Some people would refer to it as a jug due to the large body with a rather small neck.  This particular type of bottle works extremely well for this nGallon sized glass jugext trick professional demonstration. 

We sprayed the hairspray into the bottle and then lit the fumes coming out of the bottle.  The ensuing display of pyrotechnics is something I’ll never forget.  Apparently, the fumes are more flammable than the liquid itself.  So… lighting the hairspray fumes causes a sort of jet engine type propulsion of flames accompanied by the sound of a mighty rushing wind.  And, the more you spray in the bottle before you light it, the higher the flames go.  Boy, were we having fun!  I figure I need a disclaimer about now…

Disclaimer:  Do not attempt any of these stunts!

Now, believe it or not, both Kevin and I, using extreme caution,  managed to survive the night without loosing an eyebrow.  So, you are wondering who did?  Ok, the next day, I was at Cheerleader practice (yes, they call the males yell leaders – you can read more about my awesome experience here – My Story) and all of the sudden I see Kevin come riding up on his motorcycle.  He is laughing so hard, he can barely control the bike.  He literally has tears in his eyes when he pulls up and says, “Get on, Get on… you have to come see this!”  I have no idea what he is talking about, and he is laughing so hard that he can’t even get any words out except, “You, ha, ha, ha, have, ha, ha, ha, to, ha, see this, ah, hah, ha, ha, hah!”  By the time he got that out, we had arrived at the apartment. 

I walked up to the large sliding glass window to see my brother, sheepishly approaching from the inside.  One of his eyebrows, along with all of his lashes, were completely missing and the front half of his hair was singed so badly that when he touched it, it simply crumpled into pieces and floated to the floor.  Oh, my gosh!  Kevin, upon seeing my brother’s smirk, instantly falls on the ground laughing… it’s infectious, because, now, I could not hold back my laughter either and joined Kevin on the ground laughing so hard, I thought I was going to relieve myself on the spot.

After 5 minutes or so, of side-splitting laughter, we were soon joined by my brother himself.  We realized we had drawn somewhat of a crowd.  You’d stop too, to find out what is so funny, if you saw 3 college aged males rolling on the ground laughing their heads off.  Wiping the tears away from our eyes, we sat up, only to look at my brother’s face one more time and head straight back into another round of laughter.  They say, laughter is good for the soul.  I agree… it’s also a serious work-out. 

Apparently, Kevin had told my brother about our little escapade the night before and my brother wanted to try it for himself.  Having already told my brother that the more you spray, the farther up the flames shoot, my brother is determined to find out the hard way.  While he proceeds to empty the last half of the can into the bottle, Kevin tried to warn him, again, that he should back up and approach the situation from the side.  But, my stubborn brother, doesn’t listen and decides to watch the display from directly over top of the bottle.  I don’t think he even got the lighter very close to the bottle before the flames erupted and shot straight up, engulfing the left half of his head in flames.  Fortunately, due to his quick reaction, all he lost was an eyebrow, his eyelashes and some hair on his head.

I look back now, at the silliness of our youth, and wonder sometimes how we ever made through life alive.  I thank God daily that I am still alive and I count my blessings, everyday, that I never killed myself, or somebody else,  with some of the stupid stunts that I pulled.  I hope you enjoyed the story and have learned that this is not something that should be repeated.  Let my brother be the example, had that bottle exploded, one of us could have been seriously injured, or killed.  Oh, the things we don’t think of as young, bull-headed males.

Woman shot in head, by Pillsbury Doughboy

Pillsbury DoughboyIf I had not had heard this story directly from the woman it happened to, I would not have believed it myself.  My friend, who is originally from southern Oklahoma and used to make Reba’s dresses when Reba was still running around skinning her knees and playing with the boys, is the biggest hoot you would ever want to be around.  The way she told this story with the sweetness of her backwoods Okee from Muskogee accent was just to die for.  I will attempt to recreate the story for you here, so you will not only be more careful the next time you go shopping, but you will want to subscribe to my blog so that I may continue to entertain you in the future.

My friend, let’s call her Betty, owned a convenience store with her husband in a small town south of Tulsa, Oklahoma.  She was was headed home from the local grocery store on a sweltering, hot day in August.  Still a little edgy from being robbed at gunpoint just a week earlier, she was just driving along, minding her own business when all of the sudden, she heard a loud pop.

Immediately upon hearing the loud noise, which sounded like gunfire, she felt something hit the back of her head with incredible force.  It was enough to knock her forward and cause her to almost loose control of the car.  Fearing the worst, she pulled over to the side of the road to asses the damage.  Before she could even get to the side of the road, her head started throbbing from the gun shot.

Being that the bullet had struck her in the back of the head, she was not able to look directly at the damage to her skull, so she reached back with her left hand to feel around for any sign of blood.  The moment her hand reached the back of her head, she knew she was in serious trouble.  She could actually feel part of her brain oozing out from the back of her head.  She began to tremble as she knew that sudden death might become her if she didn’t take immediate and decisive action.

Knowing that no one was at home, and wondering how long she might have to live, she decided to turn the car around and head back into town to the emergency center.  With her left hand glued tightly to the back of the head to help slow the bleeding, her mind raced forward, as to what her husband was going to do without her.  How was he going to be able to manage the books of the store?  Afterall, she had been doing them since they opened the store more than 20 years earlier.  What was she going to tell her children?  Would she even have time to tell them anything?  How on earth would her husband be able to feed himself, much less clothe himself, as he had never once done the laundry in their nearly 45 year marriage.  Could these be the final moments before death?

Her thoughts came back to the present as she could feel part of her brain oozing between her fingers and she knew that time was short.  She decided to call the hospital ahead of time and alert them that she was coming so that they would be ready and waiting for her upon her arrival.

The next 3 minutes seemed like an eternity as she raced toward the Regional Medical Center.  She couldn’t stop herself from thinking about all of the things she wished she had done or wasn’t going to get a chance to do.  She worried about the little argument that she and her husband had been in, just that morning, because he had left his dirty cerial bowl in the sink, yet once again.  Now, it seemed so insignificant to her and she wished she could tell him how much she loved him and how much she cared about him.  He shouldn’t have to worry about all the little things because of all of the big things he had done for her over the years.  He was the most wonderful man she had ever known, and now she wasn’t sure if she was even going to see him again. 

She fought back the tears as they welled up in her eyes and made it even more difficult for her to drive.  The emergency room had recieved her call and said they would have several doctors ready and waiting when she arrrived, that she just needed to be safe and make it there as soon as possible.  How could this have happened to her?  They had felt so blessed just one week ago,  when they were robbed, that the gunmen had not even used his gun… and now this. 

As she rounded the final bend and pulled into the driveway of the hospital she could see the emergency staff ready and waiting outside the emergency room doors.  She sped up the driveway and skidded to a halt just as the medical team reached her door.  They swung the door open and tried to pry her hand away from her head.  She was unwilling to do so because she just knew that she was going to loose more of her brains and who knows how much blood. 

She finally started letting go, having been convinced that they could handle whatever was going to happen, when all of the sudden a few of them started laughing.  She couldn’t understand what could be so funny in this life and death situation.  How could these trained medical professional be laughing at a time like this?  The laughter started to grow until the point where everyone there was laughing and some were even doubled over from laughing so hard.

“Would someone please tell me what is so funny?” she asked.  The first nurse on the scene turned to her and said, “Well, you been shot alright maam…. by the Pillsbury Doughboy!”  She couldn’t believe her ears.  This was no time to joke around.  She had a gaping hole in her head and she needed medical attention immediately.  

The nurse continued, “Have you just been to the grocery store?”  “Yes, but what’s that got to do with anything?”, she snorted.  “Well, maam, it appears that your can of biscuits has burst and one of them is now stuck to the back of your head.”

As she slowly pulled her hand around and into view, she could see the dough stuck between her fingers and suddenly the whole picture became clear to her.  The heat of the day had caused the tin of biscuits to explode, which were sitting at the top of the grocery bag behind her seat, causing the sound of a gunshot.  The metal top, along with one of the biscuits, had hit her in the back of the head causing a somewhat sharp pain.  Allowing her brain to think that the sound was a gunshot, and the impact was a bullet, she naturally thought that the biscuit must have been her brains seeping out of her head.  She looked straight at me and said, “And, don’t you dare make any wisecracks about my brains seeping out of my head.”.  What?  I hadn’t said a word.  I couldn’t, I was rolling on the floor laughing about the whole thing, just picturing all of those hospital workers willing and able to help her out, only to find out who the real suspect was; that silly little Pilsbury Do Boy.

Needless to say, she’s a favorite around town now.  The story has not only been retold over and over again there in her hometown, but Jay Leno and some other TV talk show hosts, picked up on the story and now it has become somewhat of an urban legend.  My wife (Truthoughts) said she had heard this story, long before we ever met (six years ago).  So, now you know.  It’s true and now Betty has a much greater apprecation for life and certainly another story to tell at dinner parties.  I hope you enjoyed this story.  Leave me a comment to let me know or a link to your favorite humorous story.  Thanks!

A Poem for my Beautiful Wife… I love you!

You, my love, are beautiful,
Astounding beyond compare,
You’ve captivated my entire heart,
just by standing there.

You’re so tiny and petite,
Wrapped up in a little bow.
Your smile’s so bright and happy,
Giving you a warming glow.

You make me laugh so hard,
with your humor and your witt.
I keep on laughing, crying,
until my sides have split.

There’s so much I want to say,
that words can not convey.
You see my faults are many,
and love me anyway.

What gentleness I’ve found in you,
That moves me to the core.
Your love for cats is genuine,
for no one loves them more.

You love the Almighty God,
with all your heart and soul.
Pleasing Him in all you do,
Is your only goal.

The very thought of you,
Moves me me strongly still.
I’ve been with you these 6 years,
And have yet to get my fill.

Wanting you more and more each day,
That comes with rising sun.
Makes me feel as if our love,
Has barely just begun.

So as we wait here for the Lord,
To come and take us home,
We have each others love to share,
Until He says, Shalom!

Love,
Your Husband