Google Credited with Predicting and Averting Horrific Traffic Accident

Sunday, March 8, 2009
Staff Writer, Bradley Bowden

McKinney, TX – A very serious accident was prevented today on 75 Northbound in McKinney, Texas.  Authorities are crediting Google with yet another display of their incredible talent.  According to Google officials, their program Wisdom Attained Through Compiling History (W.A.T.C.H.) was able to send out multiple signals to several cars in the area, overriding the manual controls, and automatically re-routing the traffic into a non-accident producing pattern.

“We estimate that there were 7 lives saved today as a result of the W.A.T.C.H. program” stated the Google official.  “All total that’s 2,457 lives that have been saved since our program went online six months ago.” …

COULD THIS REALLY HAPPEN?

Have you ever just been minding your own business when all of the sudden a picture/event pops into your head and you wonder… where the heck did that come from?  Especially if it’s of some future type event, that you know hasn’t happened yet, and because of the bizarreness of the vision, it’s almost unbelievable.minority-report

Wait… are you saying that you have? or that you haven’t?  Well, either way, I’m sure you’ll enjoy this nearly science fiction type vision that popped into my head the other day.  When I saw it, it was very real. Let’s just say, it was sort of a mix between Minority Report and the Matrix.  It’s what prompted me to write the “future” headline and article above.

I was actually driving at the time when suddenly I was picturing a multi-car accident playing out in my mind… not such a big deal, I’ve had those before, but here is where the bizarre part comes in.  This accident, which was obviously some time in the future was being prevented and even reversed by something.

You see in my futuristic vision Google had become so powerful, so virtually connected to every aspect of our lives, that their computers were able to prevent this accident.  They were collecting data on everything from traffic conditions, types of cars on the road, who was on the road, who had insurance, how many accidents had taken place at that location in the past, how many accidents the drivers in the area had been in, their moods (via Twitter & Facebook and something called Plooter – I have no idea, but I’ve got dibs on the name), how much gas was in each car, who was falling asleep at the wheel (due to networked retina scans inside the vehicle), etc., etc. I thinmatrix-scene-bulletsk you get the point.

Now, Google was able to extract all of this information, drop it into a aggregator and instantly compare it to all historical data to determine that an accident was about to happen.  In my vision, which only lasted a half-second, the accident started in slow motion, but half way through, it reversed (very Matrix style as if I could have watched the event from any angle I wanted to – This would have been possible since, in the future, there will literally be cameras recording events from every angle imaginable, including the view from our own eyes.)

So, there I was, driving into a non-existent accident scene because the Google bots had caused one or more of the cars to slow down just enough to avoid the catalyst that started what could have been a horrific accident scene with tremendous loss of life.  Horray for Google they saved the day… or did they? This kind of gives new meaning to Google Earth.

Cow Farts: Who Cut the Cheese?

Cow Farts Collected in Plastic Tank for Global Warming Study

Scientists are examining cow farts and burps in a novel bid to combat global warming.

A cow stands in her pen at the National Institute of Agricultural Technology in Castelar, near Buenos Aires. Argentine scientists are taking a novel approach to studying global warming, strapping plastic tanks to the backs of cows to collect methane 

Experts said the slow digestive system of cows makes them a key producer of methane, a potent greenhouse gas that gets far less public attention than carbon dioxide.

In a bid to understand the impact of the wind produced by cows on global warming, scientists collected gas from their stomachs in plastic tanks attached to their backs.   (More…)

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That poor cow!  I hope no one tries to figure out how human farts can be used to fuel cars… Holy Cow (pun intended) what would that look like?

1 Aerosol Hairspray Can + 1 Lighter = 1 Less Eyebrow

Example of Aerosol CanThis has got to be one of the funniest stories you will ever read.  Picturing the events in my head, which I am about to reveal, causes me to start laughing all over again.  Oh my gosh!  I can’t wait to relate this story to you. 

Ok, if you’ve never tried this before, please don’t say that you read it on my blog, because I will flat out deny it.  If you spray a can of aerosol hairspray slightly above the flame of a lighter, you will instantly have your very own, and might I add, very dangerous flame thrower (do not try this at home).  I think you gathered from the title of this article where this is headed, but the way it happened is almost one of those, you wouldn’t believe it unless you saw it kind of stories.

So, let’s set the scene.  I’m in college, the same one my brother is attending, the same college where  I got away with The Best Practical Joke I Ever Played.  It’s after 11:00 pm at night and I had been over at his apartment visiting.  I had gotten to know his roommates really well by this time, so I didn’t think it strange to be hanging around after he went to bed.  My brother’s roommate, Kevin and I found one of those huge aerosol hair spray cans, the kind that are forbidden now as carry-ons as they can be considered a terrorist weapon.The Lighter

We started messing around with the usual, light the lighter and spray flames half-way across the room.  We took it into the bedroom where now 2 of my brother’s other roommates had already retired for the night.  Apparently, one of them had fallen completely asleep, because when we sprayed the can over the lighter in his direction, he woke up to massive flames licking at his face.  Needless to say, he was extremely horrified, whoops!  But… nothing happened to him, the flames weren’t even close, they just appeared close because he woke up to them coming his direction.   So, the story continues…

Kevin and I, realizing that no one in that room was in the mood for fun decided to take our “amusement in a can” elsewhere.  We went outside through the sliding glass door and started spraying hairspray on the large glass pane of the door.  We would spray it and then light it.  Very cool display of lingering flames that would dance around the window, but you didn’t learn that one from me either.

Now, this is where the story gets interesting and then very entertaining, to me anyway, since I’m not the one who lost the eyebrow.  So, Kevin and I find a large gallon sized glass bottle.  Some people would refer to it as a jug due to the large body with a rather small neck.  This particular type of bottle works extremely well for this nGallon sized glass jugext trick professional demonstration. 

We sprayed the hairspray into the bottle and then lit the fumes coming out of the bottle.  The ensuing display of pyrotechnics is something I’ll never forget.  Apparently, the fumes are more flammable than the liquid itself.  So… lighting the hairspray fumes causes a sort of jet engine type propulsion of flames accompanied by the sound of a mighty rushing wind.  And, the more you spray in the bottle before you light it, the higher the flames go.  Boy, were we having fun!  I figure I need a disclaimer about now…

Disclaimer:  Do not attempt any of these stunts!

Now, believe it or not, both Kevin and I, using extreme caution,  managed to survive the night without loosing an eyebrow.  So, you are wondering who did?  Ok, the next day, I was at Cheerleader practice (yes, they call the males yell leaders – you can read more about my awesome experience here – My Story) and all of the sudden I see Kevin come riding up on his motorcycle.  He is laughing so hard, he can barely control the bike.  He literally has tears in his eyes when he pulls up and says, “Get on, Get on… you have to come see this!”  I have no idea what he is talking about, and he is laughing so hard that he can’t even get any words out except, “You, ha, ha, ha, have, ha, ha, ha, to, ha, see this, ah, hah, ha, ha, hah!”  By the time he got that out, we had arrived at the apartment. 

I walked up to the large sliding glass window to see my brother, sheepishly approaching from the inside.  One of his eyebrows, along with all of his lashes, were completely missing and the front half of his hair was singed so badly that when he touched it, it simply crumpled into pieces and floated to the floor.  Oh, my gosh!  Kevin, upon seeing my brother’s smirk, instantly falls on the ground laughing… it’s infectious, because, now, I could not hold back my laughter either and joined Kevin on the ground laughing so hard, I thought I was going to relieve myself on the spot.

After 5 minutes or so, of side-splitting laughter, we were soon joined by my brother himself.  We realized we had drawn somewhat of a crowd.  You’d stop too, to find out what is so funny, if you saw 3 college aged males rolling on the ground laughing their heads off.  Wiping the tears away from our eyes, we sat up, only to look at my brother’s face one more time and head straight back into another round of laughter.  They say, laughter is good for the soul.  I agree… it’s also a serious work-out. 

Apparently, Kevin had told my brother about our little escapade the night before and my brother wanted to try it for himself.  Having already told my brother that the more you spray, the farther up the flames shoot, my brother is determined to find out the hard way.  While he proceeds to empty the last half of the can into the bottle, Kevin tried to warn him, again, that he should back up and approach the situation from the side.  But, my stubborn brother, doesn’t listen and decides to watch the display from directly over top of the bottle.  I don’t think he even got the lighter very close to the bottle before the flames erupted and shot straight up, engulfing the left half of his head in flames.  Fortunately, due to his quick reaction, all he lost was an eyebrow, his eyelashes and some hair on his head.

I look back now, at the silliness of our youth, and wonder sometimes how we ever made through life alive.  I thank God daily that I am still alive and I count my blessings, everyday, that I never killed myself, or somebody else,  with some of the stupid stunts that I pulled.  I hope you enjoyed the story and have learned that this is not something that should be repeated.  Let my brother be the example, had that bottle exploded, one of us could have been seriously injured, or killed.  Oh, the things we don’t think of as young, bull-headed males.

Woman shot in head, by Pillsbury Doughboy

Pillsbury DoughboyIf I had not had heard this story directly from the woman it happened to, I would not have believed it myself.  My friend, who is originally from southern Oklahoma and used to make Reba’s dresses when Reba was still running around skinning her knees and playing with the boys, is the biggest hoot you would ever want to be around.  The way she told this story with the sweetness of her backwoods Okee from Muskogee accent was just to die for.  I will attempt to recreate the story for you here, so you will not only be more careful the next time you go shopping, but you will want to subscribe to my blog so that I may continue to entertain you in the future.

My friend, let’s call her Betty, owned a convenience store with her husband in a small town south of Tulsa, Oklahoma.  She was was headed home from the local grocery store on a sweltering, hot day in August.  Still a little edgy from being robbed at gunpoint just a week earlier, she was just driving along, minding her own business when all of the sudden, she heard a loud pop.

Immediately upon hearing the loud noise, which sounded like gunfire, she felt something hit the back of her head with incredible force.  It was enough to knock her forward and cause her to almost loose control of the car.  Fearing the worst, she pulled over to the side of the road to asses the damage.  Before she could even get to the side of the road, her head started throbbing from the gun shot.

Being that the bullet had struck her in the back of the head, she was not able to look directly at the damage to her skull, so she reached back with her left hand to feel around for any sign of blood.  The moment her hand reached the back of her head, she knew she was in serious trouble.  She could actually feel part of her brain oozing out from the back of her head.  She began to tremble as she knew that sudden death might become her if she didn’t take immediate and decisive action.

Knowing that no one was at home, and wondering how long she might have to live, she decided to turn the car around and head back into town to the emergency center.  With her left hand glued tightly to the back of the head to help slow the bleeding, her mind raced forward, as to what her husband was going to do without her.  How was he going to be able to manage the books of the store?  Afterall, she had been doing them since they opened the store more than 20 years earlier.  What was she going to tell her children?  Would she even have time to tell them anything?  How on earth would her husband be able to feed himself, much less clothe himself, as he had never once done the laundry in their nearly 45 year marriage.  Could these be the final moments before death?

Her thoughts came back to the present as she could feel part of her brain oozing between her fingers and she knew that time was short.  She decided to call the hospital ahead of time and alert them that she was coming so that they would be ready and waiting for her upon her arrival.

The next 3 minutes seemed like an eternity as she raced toward the Regional Medical Center.  She couldn’t stop herself from thinking about all of the things she wished she had done or wasn’t going to get a chance to do.  She worried about the little argument that she and her husband had been in, just that morning, because he had left his dirty cerial bowl in the sink, yet once again.  Now, it seemed so insignificant to her and she wished she could tell him how much she loved him and how much she cared about him.  He shouldn’t have to worry about all the little things because of all of the big things he had done for her over the years.  He was the most wonderful man she had ever known, and now she wasn’t sure if she was even going to see him again. 

She fought back the tears as they welled up in her eyes and made it even more difficult for her to drive.  The emergency room had recieved her call and said they would have several doctors ready and waiting when she arrrived, that she just needed to be safe and make it there as soon as possible.  How could this have happened to her?  They had felt so blessed just one week ago,  when they were robbed, that the gunmen had not even used his gun… and now this. 

As she rounded the final bend and pulled into the driveway of the hospital she could see the emergency staff ready and waiting outside the emergency room doors.  She sped up the driveway and skidded to a halt just as the medical team reached her door.  They swung the door open and tried to pry her hand away from her head.  She was unwilling to do so because she just knew that she was going to loose more of her brains and who knows how much blood. 

She finally started letting go, having been convinced that they could handle whatever was going to happen, when all of the sudden a few of them started laughing.  She couldn’t understand what could be so funny in this life and death situation.  How could these trained medical professional be laughing at a time like this?  The laughter started to grow until the point where everyone there was laughing and some were even doubled over from laughing so hard.

“Would someone please tell me what is so funny?” she asked.  The first nurse on the scene turned to her and said, “Well, you been shot alright maam…. by the Pillsbury Doughboy!”  She couldn’t believe her ears.  This was no time to joke around.  She had a gaping hole in her head and she needed medical attention immediately.  

The nurse continued, “Have you just been to the grocery store?”  “Yes, but what’s that got to do with anything?”, she snorted.  “Well, maam, it appears that your can of biscuits has burst and one of them is now stuck to the back of your head.”

As she slowly pulled her hand around and into view, she could see the dough stuck between her fingers and suddenly the whole picture became clear to her.  The heat of the day had caused the tin of biscuits to explode, which were sitting at the top of the grocery bag behind her seat, causing the sound of a gunshot.  The metal top, along with one of the biscuits, had hit her in the back of the head causing a somewhat sharp pain.  Allowing her brain to think that the sound was a gunshot, and the impact was a bullet, she naturally thought that the biscuit must have been her brains seeping out of her head.  She looked straight at me and said, “And, don’t you dare make any wisecracks about my brains seeping out of my head.”.  What?  I hadn’t said a word.  I couldn’t, I was rolling on the floor laughing about the whole thing, just picturing all of those hospital workers willing and able to help her out, only to find out who the real suspect was; that silly little Pilsbury Do Boy.

Needless to say, she’s a favorite around town now.  The story has not only been retold over and over again there in her hometown, but Jay Leno and some other TV talk show hosts, picked up on the story and now it has become somewhat of an urban legend.  My wife (Truthoughts) said she had heard this story, long before we ever met (six years ago).  So, now you know.  It’s true and now Betty has a much greater apprecation for life and certainly another story to tell at dinner parties.  I hope you enjoyed this story.  Leave me a comment to let me know or a link to your favorite humorous story.  Thanks!

You Can Tune a Piano, But You Can’t Tuna Cat… or Can You?

Have you ever heard the expression, “It’s like herding cats”?  Why do you think that expression exists?  Could it be that cats, unlike their canine counterparts, typically could care less if you want them to do anything.   Usually you do well enough to get a cat to come when it’s time to feed them.  And, just the opposite, most dogs can’t wait to greet you at the door, with tail wagging so expressively that their whole body shakes with enthusiasm, including the occassional tinkle.

Well, I’m not sure if our cats have decided to “disown” their feline natures, or if it’s because we treat them as if they are human, but our cats seem to behave more like dogs than than their species would usually ever admit to.

Their typical aloofness has been replaced by them either greeting us at the door, or racing down the stairs upon our arrival, from their comfortable afternoon nap and begging for our attention.  What?  Cats never beg, it is completely beneath them.   (Maybe this could be explained better by Jeane Nevarez, owner of two cats, who has done a great review of the book, The Nine Emotional Lives of Cats, by Jeffrey Moussaieff Masson.)

 So, there they are, all mingling around the front door, brushing against us and wrapping their tails around our legs until we bend down and pet each and every one of them.   Ahh… to be loved like a dog owner!  The feeling is mutual and we return our love by showering them with praise and more pets than they could possibly want.  My wife excels in this area much more than me, but none-the-less, between the two of us, each cat is showered in love, giving them a sense of contentment no dog could ever realize.

What is also very interesting, to get to the meat of the title, is that I have managed to train our cats.  Yes, it’s true.  Let me explain.  Each night when it is time for my wife and I to retire, from blogging in the living room, and head to our bedroom upstairs, their is a mass exodus from our present quarters as most of them come running up the stairs, vieing for position to come racing into the bedroom with us as we settle down for the night.  More than once, she or I  have almost fallen up, or sometimes down, the stairs due to our cats perfect placement of themselves right where our next step is due to come down. 

 Once in the bedroom, I have actually now trained them that the bedroom is for sleep.  If they can’t settle down, then they must leave the bedroom and return only once they have settled down.  Of course, at first, since they have just burst up the stairs, their mere momentum of entusiastic bounding makes it difficult for them to settle down.   So, I tell them to get on the bed, to which they heed.  But soon, curiousity will get the best of one of them and they jump down from the bed to satisfy their urge, trying to figure out if that is a real mouse in the corner or just  a shadow of the curtains dancing in the breeze of the fan.

I give them one chance to get back on the bed, or be put out.  They know this because as soon as I get up to put them out, they race back toward the bed and resume their position.  Occasionally, one will jump down for a second time and sure enough, as soon as I get up, back to the bed they race, usually to bed down for good. 

However, lately, they have started making the choice.  They know the rule, no playing once in the bedroom, but sometimes, they are just still way too excited, so they consciously make the choice when I get up, to run towards the door, to be let out, rather than being put out.  They do their running around, outside the bedroom and when they are ready, they come back and let us know and in they come where they head direclty to the bed and settle down with the others.

Who knew, you could train a cat?  Have you ever experienced anything like this?  To find out more about me and my family, click on the About Me page at the top.

My Most Embarrising Moment…

Naked, slipping and lockeroom are three words that shouldn’t be in the same sentance… and yet!

So, this being my first post, I thought I would break the ice and let you get to know me a little better.  So here is my most embarrassing moment

When I was a freshman in highschool, I was thrown into a PE class of mostly seniors. It was all seniors and about 5 or 6 of us freshman.

Well, picture the “macho” men’s lockerroom during shower time. Gals, there is never a more insecure time in a man’s life than when he has to act “macho” around other guys, who are overacting their “machoness” to cover their own insecurities.

Things like, don’t pull the curtain shut behind you when you get in the shower. Don’t wrap all up in a towel just to get in the shower. The more “macho” you are… the more you just let things appear naturally.

So here I am during the first week of highschool, tossed violently into this situation and trying to handle it in most graceful (manly) manner. I toss my towel over my shoulder and head for the nearest vacant shower stall. As I enter the wood partition seperating the stalls, I throw my only covering (ya, right – it was on my shoulder, school issued towels are not that big), on the towel rack. I turn on the water and procede to step into the shower.

This is where things get a little crazy and very embarrassing

I somehow step on the leading 3″ edge of the shower, causing my foot to slide off of the edge and propel me, somehow quite rapidly toward the back wall of the shower. Somehow, the back of the shower unit is more like a trampoline than a wall and it rockets me backwards all the way out into the main room landing butt naked on my back. In front of all of the “macho” seniors whom I am trying desperately to impress.

Well, what happened next is probably just as funny and as incredible as the rest. I somehow managed to use the concrete floor as a springboard and bounce off my backside and right back into shower almost faster than I came out.

I never did live that one down… As I am fair skinned – some weren’t sure if they had seen what they had actually seen or if it was just a bolt of lightning.  (It sure gives new meaning to the term “streaking” huh?)

Oh my, what an experience.  So… if you have a funny/embarrasing story on your blog or know of one, post a link to it here in the comments so that myself and other readers can find some much needed comic relief.

You should subscribe to my blog as there will be much more coming soon. I look forward to reading your post. 

Sincerely,

OutsideMyBrain