Google Credited with Predicting and Averting Horrific Traffic Accident

Sunday, March 8, 2009
Staff Writer, Bradley Bowden

McKinney, TX – A very serious accident was prevented today on 75 Northbound in McKinney, Texas.  Authorities are crediting Google with yet another display of their incredible talent.  According to Google officials, their program Wisdom Attained Through Compiling History (W.A.T.C.H.) was able to send out multiple signals to several cars in the area, overriding the manual controls, and automatically re-routing the traffic into a non-accident producing pattern.

“We estimate that there were 7 lives saved today as a result of the W.A.T.C.H. program” stated the Google official.  “All total that’s 2,457 lives that have been saved since our program went online six months ago.” …

COULD THIS REALLY HAPPEN?

Have you ever just been minding your own business when all of the sudden a picture/event pops into your head and you wonder… where the heck did that come from?  Especially if it’s of some future type event, that you know hasn’t happened yet, and because of the bizarreness of the vision, it’s almost unbelievable.minority-report

Wait… are you saying that you have? or that you haven’t?  Well, either way, I’m sure you’ll enjoy this nearly science fiction type vision that popped into my head the other day.  When I saw it, it was very real. Let’s just say, it was sort of a mix between Minority Report and the Matrix.  It’s what prompted me to write the “future” headline and article above.

I was actually driving at the time when suddenly I was picturing a multi-car accident playing out in my mind… not such a big deal, I’ve had those before, but here is where the bizarre part comes in.  This accident, which was obviously some time in the future was being prevented and even reversed by something.

You see in my futuristic vision Google had become so powerful, so virtually connected to every aspect of our lives, that their computers were able to prevent this accident.  They were collecting data on everything from traffic conditions, types of cars on the road, who was on the road, who had insurance, how many accidents had taken place at that location in the past, how many accidents the drivers in the area had been in, their moods (via Twitter & Facebook and something called Plooter – I have no idea, but I’ve got dibs on the name), how much gas was in each car, who was falling asleep at the wheel (due to networked retina scans inside the vehicle), etc., etc. I thinmatrix-scene-bulletsk you get the point.

Now, Google was able to extract all of this information, drop it into a aggregator and instantly compare it to all historical data to determine that an accident was about to happen.  In my vision, which only lasted a half-second, the accident started in slow motion, but half way through, it reversed (very Matrix style as if I could have watched the event from any angle I wanted to – This would have been possible since, in the future, there will literally be cameras recording events from every angle imaginable, including the view from our own eyes.)

So, there I was, driving into a non-existent accident scene because the Google bots had caused one or more of the cars to slow down just enough to avoid the catalyst that started what could have been a horrific accident scene with tremendous loss of life.  Horray for Google they saved the day… or did they? This kind of gives new meaning to Google Earth.

1 Aerosol Hairspray Can + 1 Lighter = 1 Less Eyebrow

Example of Aerosol CanThis has got to be one of the funniest stories you will ever read.  Picturing the events in my head, which I am about to reveal, causes me to start laughing all over again.  Oh my gosh!  I can’t wait to relate this story to you. 

Ok, if you’ve never tried this before, please don’t say that you read it on my blog, because I will flat out deny it.  If you spray a can of aerosol hairspray slightly above the flame of a lighter, you will instantly have your very own, and might I add, very dangerous flame thrower (do not try this at home).  I think you gathered from the title of this article where this is headed, but the way it happened is almost one of those, you wouldn’t believe it unless you saw it kind of stories.

So, let’s set the scene.  I’m in college, the same one my brother is attending, the same college where  I got away with The Best Practical Joke I Ever Played.  It’s after 11:00 pm at night and I had been over at his apartment visiting.  I had gotten to know his roommates really well by this time, so I didn’t think it strange to be hanging around after he went to bed.  My brother’s roommate, Kevin and I found one of those huge aerosol hair spray cans, the kind that are forbidden now as carry-ons as they can be considered a terrorist weapon.The Lighter

We started messing around with the usual, light the lighter and spray flames half-way across the room.  We took it into the bedroom where now 2 of my brother’s other roommates had already retired for the night.  Apparently, one of them had fallen completely asleep, because when we sprayed the can over the lighter in his direction, he woke up to massive flames licking at his face.  Needless to say, he was extremely horrified, whoops!  But… nothing happened to him, the flames weren’t even close, they just appeared close because he woke up to them coming his direction.   So, the story continues…

Kevin and I, realizing that no one in that room was in the mood for fun decided to take our “amusement in a can” elsewhere.  We went outside through the sliding glass door and started spraying hairspray on the large glass pane of the door.  We would spray it and then light it.  Very cool display of lingering flames that would dance around the window, but you didn’t learn that one from me either.

Now, this is where the story gets interesting and then very entertaining, to me anyway, since I’m not the one who lost the eyebrow.  So, Kevin and I find a large gallon sized glass bottle.  Some people would refer to it as a jug due to the large body with a rather small neck.  This particular type of bottle works extremely well for this nGallon sized glass jugext trick professional demonstration. 

We sprayed the hairspray into the bottle and then lit the fumes coming out of the bottle.  The ensuing display of pyrotechnics is something I’ll never forget.  Apparently, the fumes are more flammable than the liquid itself.  So… lighting the hairspray fumes causes a sort of jet engine type propulsion of flames accompanied by the sound of a mighty rushing wind.  And, the more you spray in the bottle before you light it, the higher the flames go.  Boy, were we having fun!  I figure I need a disclaimer about now…

Disclaimer:  Do not attempt any of these stunts!

Now, believe it or not, both Kevin and I, using extreme caution,  managed to survive the night without loosing an eyebrow.  So, you are wondering who did?  Ok, the next day, I was at Cheerleader practice (yes, they call the males yell leaders – you can read more about my awesome experience here – My Story) and all of the sudden I see Kevin come riding up on his motorcycle.  He is laughing so hard, he can barely control the bike.  He literally has tears in his eyes when he pulls up and says, “Get on, Get on… you have to come see this!”  I have no idea what he is talking about, and he is laughing so hard that he can’t even get any words out except, “You, ha, ha, ha, have, ha, ha, ha, to, ha, see this, ah, hah, ha, ha, hah!”  By the time he got that out, we had arrived at the apartment. 

I walked up to the large sliding glass window to see my brother, sheepishly approaching from the inside.  One of his eyebrows, along with all of his lashes, were completely missing and the front half of his hair was singed so badly that when he touched it, it simply crumpled into pieces and floated to the floor.  Oh, my gosh!  Kevin, upon seeing my brother’s smirk, instantly falls on the ground laughing… it’s infectious, because, now, I could not hold back my laughter either and joined Kevin on the ground laughing so hard, I thought I was going to relieve myself on the spot.

After 5 minutes or so, of side-splitting laughter, we were soon joined by my brother himself.  We realized we had drawn somewhat of a crowd.  You’d stop too, to find out what is so funny, if you saw 3 college aged males rolling on the ground laughing their heads off.  Wiping the tears away from our eyes, we sat up, only to look at my brother’s face one more time and head straight back into another round of laughter.  They say, laughter is good for the soul.  I agree… it’s also a serious work-out. 

Apparently, Kevin had told my brother about our little escapade the night before and my brother wanted to try it for himself.  Having already told my brother that the more you spray, the farther up the flames shoot, my brother is determined to find out the hard way.  While he proceeds to empty the last half of the can into the bottle, Kevin tried to warn him, again, that he should back up and approach the situation from the side.  But, my stubborn brother, doesn’t listen and decides to watch the display from directly over top of the bottle.  I don’t think he even got the lighter very close to the bottle before the flames erupted and shot straight up, engulfing the left half of his head in flames.  Fortunately, due to his quick reaction, all he lost was an eyebrow, his eyelashes and some hair on his head.

I look back now, at the silliness of our youth, and wonder sometimes how we ever made through life alive.  I thank God daily that I am still alive and I count my blessings, everyday, that I never killed myself, or somebody else,  with some of the stupid stunts that I pulled.  I hope you enjoyed the story and have learned that this is not something that should be repeated.  Let my brother be the example, had that bottle exploded, one of us could have been seriously injured, or killed.  Oh, the things we don’t think of as young, bull-headed males.