Humor: New “Super-Earths” Discovered

How much would you weigh?From this article: Astronomers find ‘super-Earths’

RESEARCHERS today said they discovered a batch of three “super-Earths” orbiting a nearby star, and two other solar systems with small planets as well.

They said their findings, presented at a conference in France, suggest that Earth-like planets may be very common.

Source of Picture:

…The trio of planets orbit a star slightly less massive than our Sun, 42 light-years away towards the southern Doradus and Pictor constellations.

A light-year is the distance light can travel in one year at a speed of 300,000km per second – or about 9.5 trillion kilometres.    

The planets are bigger than Earth – one is 4.2 times the mass, one is 6.7 times and the third is 9.4 times.

So, if man were to figure out how to travel at the speed of light, it would still take 42 years to get there, which would mean that a host of newborns would need to be rocketed into space hoping that a significant portion of them survived the trip. Can you imagine growing up not knowing anything other than life on a spaceship? You would be taught by your predecessors that your job, upon arrival at this new “earth”, is to build a spaceport landing station so that others could follow and harvest the oil off of this planet to feed the oil monster back on “Earth 1.0”. Yikes… (Is there Oil? is the caption under the picture on the aritlce site)

Of course, they would also have to be on some sort of massive workout system as the gravity on the new earths discovered would be anywhere from 4.2 to almost 10 times that of the gravity on “Earth 1.0”.

The following clip is taken from: Your Weight on Other Worlds

As stated above, your weight is a measure of the pull of gravity between you and the body you are standing on. This force of gravity depends on a few things. First, it depends on your mass and the mass of the planet you are standing on. If you double your mass, gravity pulls on you twice as hard. If the planet you are standing on is twice as massive, gravity also pulls on you twice as hard.

So, it got me thinking… how much do we weigh on other planets? To figure it out, just multiply your weight by the following numbers:

mars .379
uranus .903
mercury .378
jupiter 2.529
neptune 1.096
venus .905
saturn 1.066
pluto .069

Or, you can go here, and it will calculate it for you automatically. So based on that… What planet would you like to live on? I personally like Uranus. Gee… that doesn’t sound very good when I read it out loud.

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Humor: Prices are dropping dramatically

“Here’s your sign”:  I saw this hillarious price marker the other day at a lumber store:

New Lower Price:

Stupid Sign

Who are they trying to kid?  It’s no wonder our money isn’t going as far as it used to.

Since you’re here, you should check out some of my other humorous stories… you’ll enjoy it, or your money back.

When Real Life (RL) Becomes the Distraction!

Sun setting behind our neighbors pergulaAhhhhhhhhh…. somebody stop me!!!!

As the sun starts to set behind me, the magnificent colors representing a beautiful “wish you were here” postcard, start to dance across the early summer sky.  The problem is… I’m too busy trying to figure out this whole blogging thing to even notice. 

Do you ever feel this way?  Speaking to my fellow bloggers, authors or anyone else so wrapped up in what they are working on that trips to the grocery store to fill the empty cabinets become a nuisance, a mere distraction.  The whole time I’m out milling around trying to find the right kind of dressing, the perfect head of lettuce and the best looking frozen dinner entree, I can’t seem to think about anything else but, how much time I’m losing online. 

Between choosing the right blog theme, arranging the layout of widgets, searching for the best widget, listing my blog with blog directories, registering with the best social networks, connecting with new friends, responding to comments, etc., etc. ad nauseum, not to mention joining in multiple discussions at the best place on the net for bloggers BlogCatalog, it feels like I’m never “caught up” enough to just relax. 

Oh yeah, and then there’s content.   In order to entertain, move, inspire my readers (you, and by the way, thanks for stopping by) I must continually come up with quality, original content or risk being tagged a <something significant goes here, but I haven’t had time to research this one yet>.

So, when will the merry-go-round ever stop?  It’s only been 4 weeks, since I started blogging, and I can already see my priorities have completely shifted.  The once, normally pristine backyard, has become somewhat of an overgrown jungle.   Ah, yes, I shall go and mow as soon as I’m done with this post (seems like I said that two days ago. hmm… but today will be the day!)

I sometimes wonder where the time goes.  I log on to check my email box, and suddenly there’s this time warp…

(Let’s Do The Time Warp Again!)
 
and 2 hours have passed by and I still haven’t cleaned out my inbox.   Oh, but don’t get me wrong, I love comments.  I spend the majority of my time responding to comments.  It’s what drives me, keeps me going and makes it all worth it.  I consider it an honor that you are reading my blog and I am flattered if you want to take the time to say something to me in my comments.  And, yes, look around, I publish my negative comments too.

Well, I’m off to tackle the cat’s litter boxes.  Oh, wait, I haven’t checked my Feedburner stats yet. I’ll clean their litter boxes right after I check my stats. I might as well, its way too dark to mow the lawn now anyway.

 

Woman shot in head, by Pillsbury Doughboy

Pillsbury DoughboyIf I had not had heard this story directly from the woman it happened to, I would not have believed it myself.  My friend, who is originally from southern Oklahoma and used to make Reba’s dresses when Reba was still running around skinning her knees and playing with the boys, is the biggest hoot you would ever want to be around.  The way she told this story with the sweetness of her backwoods Okee from Muskogee accent was just to die for.  I will attempt to recreate the story for you here, so you will not only be more careful the next time you go shopping, but you will want to subscribe to my blog so that I may continue to entertain you in the future.

My friend, let’s call her Betty, owned a convenience store with her husband in a small town south of Tulsa, Oklahoma.  She was was headed home from the local grocery store on a sweltering, hot day in August.  Still a little edgy from being robbed at gunpoint just a week earlier, she was just driving along, minding her own business when all of the sudden, she heard a loud pop.

Immediately upon hearing the loud noise, which sounded like gunfire, she felt something hit the back of her head with incredible force.  It was enough to knock her forward and cause her to almost loose control of the car.  Fearing the worst, she pulled over to the side of the road to asses the damage.  Before she could even get to the side of the road, her head started throbbing from the gun shot.

Being that the bullet had struck her in the back of the head, she was not able to look directly at the damage to her skull, so she reached back with her left hand to feel around for any sign of blood.  The moment her hand reached the back of her head, she knew she was in serious trouble.  She could actually feel part of her brain oozing out from the back of her head.  She began to tremble as she knew that sudden death might become her if she didn’t take immediate and decisive action.

Knowing that no one was at home, and wondering how long she might have to live, she decided to turn the car around and head back into town to the emergency center.  With her left hand glued tightly to the back of the head to help slow the bleeding, her mind raced forward, as to what her husband was going to do without her.  How was he going to be able to manage the books of the store?  Afterall, she had been doing them since they opened the store more than 20 years earlier.  What was she going to tell her children?  Would she even have time to tell them anything?  How on earth would her husband be able to feed himself, much less clothe himself, as he had never once done the laundry in their nearly 45 year marriage.  Could these be the final moments before death?

Her thoughts came back to the present as she could feel part of her brain oozing between her fingers and she knew that time was short.  She decided to call the hospital ahead of time and alert them that she was coming so that they would be ready and waiting for her upon her arrival.

The next 3 minutes seemed like an eternity as she raced toward the Regional Medical Center.  She couldn’t stop herself from thinking about all of the things she wished she had done or wasn’t going to get a chance to do.  She worried about the little argument that she and her husband had been in, just that morning, because he had left his dirty cerial bowl in the sink, yet once again.  Now, it seemed so insignificant to her and she wished she could tell him how much she loved him and how much she cared about him.  He shouldn’t have to worry about all the little things because of all of the big things he had done for her over the years.  He was the most wonderful man she had ever known, and now she wasn’t sure if she was even going to see him again. 

She fought back the tears as they welled up in her eyes and made it even more difficult for her to drive.  The emergency room had recieved her call and said they would have several doctors ready and waiting when she arrrived, that she just needed to be safe and make it there as soon as possible.  How could this have happened to her?  They had felt so blessed just one week ago,  when they were robbed, that the gunmen had not even used his gun… and now this. 

As she rounded the final bend and pulled into the driveway of the hospital she could see the emergency staff ready and waiting outside the emergency room doors.  She sped up the driveway and skidded to a halt just as the medical team reached her door.  They swung the door open and tried to pry her hand away from her head.  She was unwilling to do so because she just knew that she was going to loose more of her brains and who knows how much blood. 

She finally started letting go, having been convinced that they could handle whatever was going to happen, when all of the sudden a few of them started laughing.  She couldn’t understand what could be so funny in this life and death situation.  How could these trained medical professional be laughing at a time like this?  The laughter started to grow until the point where everyone there was laughing and some were even doubled over from laughing so hard.

“Would someone please tell me what is so funny?” she asked.  The first nurse on the scene turned to her and said, “Well, you been shot alright maam…. by the Pillsbury Doughboy!”  She couldn’t believe her ears.  This was no time to joke around.  She had a gaping hole in her head and she needed medical attention immediately.  

The nurse continued, “Have you just been to the grocery store?”  “Yes, but what’s that got to do with anything?”, she snorted.  “Well, maam, it appears that your can of biscuits has burst and one of them is now stuck to the back of your head.”

As she slowly pulled her hand around and into view, she could see the dough stuck between her fingers and suddenly the whole picture became clear to her.  The heat of the day had caused the tin of biscuits to explode, which were sitting at the top of the grocery bag behind her seat, causing the sound of a gunshot.  The metal top, along with one of the biscuits, had hit her in the back of the head causing a somewhat sharp pain.  Allowing her brain to think that the sound was a gunshot, and the impact was a bullet, she naturally thought that the biscuit must have been her brains seeping out of her head.  She looked straight at me and said, “And, don’t you dare make any wisecracks about my brains seeping out of my head.”.  What?  I hadn’t said a word.  I couldn’t, I was rolling on the floor laughing about the whole thing, just picturing all of those hospital workers willing and able to help her out, only to find out who the real suspect was; that silly little Pilsbury Do Boy.

Needless to say, she’s a favorite around town now.  The story has not only been retold over and over again there in her hometown, but Jay Leno and some other TV talk show hosts, picked up on the story and now it has become somewhat of an urban legend.  My wife (Truthoughts) said she had heard this story, long before we ever met (six years ago).  So, now you know.  It’s true and now Betty has a much greater apprecation for life and certainly another story to tell at dinner parties.  I hope you enjoyed this story.  Leave me a comment to let me know or a link to your favorite humorous story.  Thanks!

A Redneck’s Guide to Success!

Get ready for a good laugh – This set of rules for a Redneck’s success will be certain to be uplifting and humorous. My wife (Truthoughts) and myself (OutsideMyBrain) put these together. Enjoy! You may copy this post in it’s entirety, as long as you keep the copyright symbol and the link to this post embedded on your website.

A REDNECKS GUIDE TO SUCCESS!

80% of success is just showing up…with a six-pack.

If you help enough other people get what they want, you’ll automatically have more people to call when you need to bail your mamma out of jail for getting into a brawl at the Piggly Wiggly.

There is nothing to fear, except having no beer.

Tough times never last, but tough rednecks do.

Two men look out the same prison bars, one sees mud,
and the other sees the truck.

The whole world steps aside for the redneck on a beer run.

We owe a lot to Jeff Foxworthy, if it weren’t for him, we’d still be called hillbillies.

Think, and grow a mullet.

Success is a state of mind. If you want to be successful, start thinking of yourself
as one of the Dukes of Hazzard.

While some people are dreaming about success –
rednecks stay up… and have a beer.

Do not go where the path may lead, go instead where there is no path and leave a trail of mud.

Progress always involves risk… you can’t steal your neighbors beer
with both hands on his sister.

Defeat is not the worst of failures.
Not to have tried (to outrun the Sheriff) is the true failure.

What would you attempt to do if you knew
that it would only cost a nickel?

The mind is like a beer can, it only works when it is open.

What lies before us, and what lies behind us are tiny matters when compared to
what lies on blocks in our backyard.

Nothing is so powerful as a redneck whose time has come.

Shoot for the moon…
even if you miss, you’re bound to hit a deer.

The past is history, the future is a mystery, today is a gift that’s why they call it…
ah, just get another beer!

Few rednecks have the strength to honor a friend’s success
without envy toward his truck.

There is no try… there’s only Git’r’dun or don’t!

 

Copyright © 2008 http://www.outsidemybrain.wordpress.com

This article can be found here:

 

My Most Embarrising Moment…

Naked, slipping and lockeroom are three words that shouldn’t be in the same sentance… and yet!

So, this being my first post, I thought I would break the ice and let you get to know me a little better.  So here is my most embarrassing moment

When I was a freshman in highschool, I was thrown into a PE class of mostly seniors. It was all seniors and about 5 or 6 of us freshman.

Well, picture the “macho” men’s lockerroom during shower time. Gals, there is never a more insecure time in a man’s life than when he has to act “macho” around other guys, who are overacting their “machoness” to cover their own insecurities.

Things like, don’t pull the curtain shut behind you when you get in the shower. Don’t wrap all up in a towel just to get in the shower. The more “macho” you are… the more you just let things appear naturally.

So here I am during the first week of highschool, tossed violently into this situation and trying to handle it in most graceful (manly) manner. I toss my towel over my shoulder and head for the nearest vacant shower stall. As I enter the wood partition seperating the stalls, I throw my only covering (ya, right – it was on my shoulder, school issued towels are not that big), on the towel rack. I turn on the water and procede to step into the shower.

This is where things get a little crazy and very embarrassing

I somehow step on the leading 3″ edge of the shower, causing my foot to slide off of the edge and propel me, somehow quite rapidly toward the back wall of the shower. Somehow, the back of the shower unit is more like a trampoline than a wall and it rockets me backwards all the way out into the main room landing butt naked on my back. In front of all of the “macho” seniors whom I am trying desperately to impress.

Well, what happened next is probably just as funny and as incredible as the rest. I somehow managed to use the concrete floor as a springboard and bounce off my backside and right back into shower almost faster than I came out.

I never did live that one down… As I am fair skinned – some weren’t sure if they had seen what they had actually seen or if it was just a bolt of lightning.  (It sure gives new meaning to the term “streaking” huh?)

Oh my, what an experience.  So… if you have a funny/embarrasing story on your blog or know of one, post a link to it here in the comments so that myself and other readers can find some much needed comic relief.

You should subscribe to my blog as there will be much more coming soon. I look forward to reading your post. 

Sincerely,

OutsideMyBrain